22nd September 2025

Yesterday my friend asked me, “Mas, have you ever thought, what am I even studying Computer Science for?”. He asked me this because he knew my childhood dream was to become a doctor. I wanted to laugh the moment he asked to hide my actual expression, but the first word that came out of my mouth was, “Yes, Mas.”

He doesn’t know that this question still haunts me at night, when I’m alone, when I’m with my friends, while scrolling social media, and at completely random moments. Deep down, I always know I can’t never achieve that dream anymore, yet part of me still wishes I could turn back time. I often think about the regrets of the things I didn’t do in high school and in my first year studying Informatics Engineering.

The peak of my existential crisis was probably when I had to be hospitalized for more than a week during my 6th semester. Lying there, I kept asking myself, had I really sacrificed my life just to study subjects I never even imagined as a child until my final year in high school for almost 15 years? My picture of the future from childhood through high school was always the same: to be a doctor, specifically a pediatrician (very specific XD). All my friends and teachers from elementary to high school surely knew my dream. I was really clueless about other jobs. In my mind there was only doctor, doctor, and doctor. If I couldn’t become a doctor, it was better to die.

Even now, while I’m doing a Master’s in Computer Science, I often still think about that. Maybe I should see a psychologist 😂 Honestly, I don’t know why Allah always makes me befriend people who also have the same situation. First when I was a bachelor student, and even now when I’m taking my master’s 🥲